Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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