i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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