Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
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