Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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