And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
