i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
