I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
