Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize