OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
