We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I enjoy the company of your penis
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
