things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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