The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
you didnt know i had herpes?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
