So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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