MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
