woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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