Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
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I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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