She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We had sex on a dog bed..
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"