i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There's always time for handjobs
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?