I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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