Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
