my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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