Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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