Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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