Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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