Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
