Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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