I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
