I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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