I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
