My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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