the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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