While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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