So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
