Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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