we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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