is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
