Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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