life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
