I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
