Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
