You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
