how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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