9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
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Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
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Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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