My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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