My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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