her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I faked an abortion last night.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
