sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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