All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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