She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
