she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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