How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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