I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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