so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
