so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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