I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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