love makes seman taste better
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
