Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Drunk is not a location!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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