two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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