I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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