Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
